My friend Lionel has been a long time internet friend . His most recent post shares some deeply personal struggles with church. Here is just a short quote from what Lionel writes.
Lionel Woods
I don’t know what to do anymore. I am an idealist through and through. There are so many options out here, there so many little pockets and denominations and I feel like I felt back in 2003 when I came into the knowledge of the Gospel of Grace. Actually I feel exactly the same and it has lead me to a point of spiritual depression, and that has effected my personal life, there is this constant pulling of anxiety and I can’t pray it away, study it away, read it away, or ignore it. This anxiety keeps me up most nights and clouds my prayers most time. I think about church almost all portions of the day, in meetings, watching television and while I am driving. Speaking of driving, I have probably driven my wife crazy through it all.
I honestly wished and have been praying that I could just be the guy who doesn’t care. I wonder why do I have to be the guy to question and toil and read, and engage and disagree. I wished I was the guy who could just go on Sunday, listen to the sermon, help by being an Usher, or help with the parking lot, give my money and sit passively by and do it again next Sunday. I am frustrated that I am not that guy.
I have come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. Someone once told me about my idealism and those words are now live in living color in front of my face. So I want to give in, throw in the towel, forget the information I have learned and become the guy on the back pew. I really want to, and I think I am at that point.
Lionel’s struggle resonates with me because I know he is not alone. My response to Lionel was basically as follows (with a few extra comments thrown in for good measure).
Me
Be encouraged brother. I sometimes feel the same way and wonder “what is wrong with me? why can’t I just ‘go with the flow’?” Following is the advice I give myself.
First, despite rumors that we should be like the New Testament church, I think we have instead created an Idol of Her. Yes, I think a lot of the “organic church” and “house church” movement has devolved into idol worship at alter of the NT church. The NT was a model of many good things, but She was also imperfect. She was full of conflict, strife and division. Yet by the power of the Spirit She became/and is becoming today the unblemished Bride of Christ. The truth is, there is no such thing as the New Testament Church, there is just the Church. By creating this false picture of the “perfect” NT church, we have placed ourselves in a trap where we can never find something that meets our expectations of NT nirvana-church.
Second, your only hope is to extend to those with whom you disagree the same grace that Christ gave you. When the differences are not “Gospel” difference do not divide over them. Instead, love, correct, train and encourage where you can. Learn to live in the tension of diversity and disagreement and embrace the unity of the Spirit’s gift of Christ in us.
I have learned these lessons from a very positive experience with church planting and from members of my own church like Wally who have taught me a lot.
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Nice response to him, babe!
Joe, he seems to reflect generalized anxiety but he leaves me wondering what it is from. He says things like “So I want to give in, throw in the towel, forget the information I have learned and become the guy on the back pew.” What information has he learned that has brought him such anxiety?
He says, “I honestly wished and have been praying that I could just be the guy who doesn’t care. I wonder why do I have to be the guy to question and toil and read, and engage and disagree. I wished I was the guy who could just go on Sunday, listen to the sermon, help by being an Usher, or help with the parking lot, give my money and sit passively by and do it again next Sunday. I am frustrated that I am not that guy.”
Joe, is he saying he wishes he could be an unthinking, uncaring robot and put the issues causing him anxiety away? He seems to be anxious that there is “something wrong” with his questioning, engaging, and reading. I’m still unclear as to what his anxiety is over. Perhaps he feels like he will be judged if he is honest? My advice to him, for what it is worth, would be to find which one of his friends that would truly allow him to be authentic and allow him to say whatever he wants without the need to be “corrected.” And then, if I were him, I would “let er rip.” Get it out there and off his chest. How many people sit in church and do exactly what he is saying he wishes he could do- sit there and conform and accept. Then, he needs to understand that it is ok for him to feel like he does. He isn’t a bad person for his feelings.
I feel like Jesus isn’t looking for mindless conformists but REAL PEOPLE who come to him out of love not out of fear. I would say there is nothing wrong with your friend. Faith does not grow by going through the motions on Sunday morning and ignoring anxious thoughts. Doubt is not the enemy of faith. Mindless, unquestioning obedience is what followers of cults do and should not be what followers of Jesus do.
peace
Hi Don, interesting thoughts. Do me a favor. Go read Lionel;’s full post and then let me know if that changes or solidifies your observations.
Oh wow Joe, I completely missed the fact that you linked to his complete post which concerns something completely different from what I thought. Feel free to delete my response as it was written for someone who was struggling with his faith, not struggling with what church to attend. Your response is much more appropriate. Amazing how taking things out of “context” can lead to completely wrong interpretations. I think there must be a message there somewhere!
peace.
No worries Don. We have all done that and I should have been more clear introducing Lionel’s post. I think my brother Lionel wants to be all those things you are talking about, but it the road in filled with hazards.
I really do think that idolatry of the “perfect NT church” (generally speaking and not necessarily in reference to Lionel) is our most recent hurdle to genuine community.
Joe,
You said “I really do think that idolatry of the “perfect NT church” (generally speaking and not necessarily in reference to Lionel) is our most recent hurdle to genuine community.”
I think it has been a significant hurdle for me. I have also realized that 5 couples does not seem to be what Jesus or how Jesus wanted us to gather, I often think 500 loses sight but I also think 10 people is counterproductive.
I certainly agree Lionel that size changes the potential pitfalls and positives of church. However, I think the real problem is the focus on size.
Interesting how you say, “10 is counterproductive” yet Jesus has only 12 Apostles and that was quite fruitful.
I think you might get something from my article, “Does Size Matter”
http://www.morethancake.org/2008/10/does-size-matter.html
Don,
Brother I am good with the “faith” as an objective standard, as a matter of fact I am pretty convinced theologically about what I believe, but like Joe said, some of those beliefs are hindering real community, as a matter of fact Joe I have a post coming about “allegiance”. Thank you for your wisdom Joe, though only through the internet, your words have always challenged me, even if we don’t agree sometimes
NOW THAT is a bumper sticker! “learn to live in the tension of diversity…show grace!” ;O)