So as we make plans to move down to San Diego, we are starting to think about church.
What should we look for in a church?
Maybe something like this?
Archive for the ‘Humor’ category
Help Me Find a Good Church
June 7th, 2010
Lessons from a Fat Guy’s Workout
January 29th, 2010I started circuit training again after a layoff that was way too long. Here are the lessons I learned today.
- Newtonian Physics is confirmed… time is relative… the more out of shape you are, the longer an hour workout lasts.
- Why does the instructor keep saying, “work at your own pace!”? Isn’t working at “my pace” what made me fat?
- Jumping Jacks are poorly named… they just make me hungry for “Jack in the Box”
- Ladies… please… spandex is not a corset.
Con$umer $tudy Bible ©
January 24th, 2010
There are study bibles on the market for everything from hunting tips to weight control, but what Christians really need is a study bible to help the Western consumer reinterpret the teachings of God for our modern world. God never imagined the stresses faced by the modern consumer, or how busy we are, so a new study bible to help people know what God really meant to say is a big relief. To meet today’s need, I am today unveiling “The Con$umer $tudy Bible–A Guide to $old Out Faith ©”
Red-Tag Passage
“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ” (Ephesians 4:25–32, ESV)
$ell-Out Commentary
When Paul wrote these words to the Christians at Ephesus, he clearly could not have imagined how frustrating it is to get bad customer service. God only intended this passage to apply to spiritual matters inside the walls of the church building on Sunday morning—certainly not situations where you buy a product and are unhappy with it. God says, “be angry and do not sin” and we all know that anger is never a sin when you get bad service from a waiter or waitress. The Con$umer is always right, so if you get frustrated at a sales-call during dinner time, God knows it is okay to yell at the person on the other end of the phone—how dare they interrupt your dinner! Also, if you spent lots of money on some computer software, you have a right to get angry if it does not work right. In such a case it is always okay to call the support line people names, and or write angry messages on their website forums or say rude things to other con$umers who don’t share your anger. In these situations, it does not matter if the other people you are talking to are Christians or not, this is a business situation, not a spiritual one, and the seller owes the con$umer a good product and these people don’t deserve any kind words for frustrating you.
Look for more words of guilt-free wisdom in the soon-to-be released,
“Con$umer $tudy Bible–A Guide to $old Out Faith ©“
Fill In the Blanks Bible © Exodus
October 23rd, 2009Due to the popularity of my “Fill In the Blanks Bible ©, decided to publish the next chapter in this translation.
The Book of Exodus
These are the names of the sons of Israel who came to Egypt with Jacob, each with his household: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and yada yada yada. Anyway, all the descendants of Jacob were seventy persons; Joseph was already in Egypt. Then Joseph died, and all his brothers and all that generation. But the people of Israel were ______________(fruitful / stealing all the land in violation of demands from the international community).
Now there arose a new king over Egypt, who ______________(did not know Joseph / recognized the Jews were a threat to peace in the Middle East). And he said to his people, “Behold, the people of Israel are ______________ (too many and too mighty for us / stealing our land and controlling the media). So they ______________ (ruthlessly made the people of Israel work as slaves / took back from the Jews what rightfully belonged to the Egyptians).
Then the king of Egypt commanded that all the newborn sons of the Hebrews, ______________(should be thrown into the Nile / be sent back to their own country / I deny that there was any Jewish holocaust).__________________________________________(And God saved his people from Egypt / The rest of this chapter is a fiction from the Jewish run media and is not historical / I do not believe in miracles, so the rest of this chapter is just a silly fable / Moses did not write any of this stuff. It was written later by scribes to convince the masses that God was real).
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